What are you clinging to?

And how to loosen the grip (aka let go)

We hold many things tightly. Some are physical of course: items of sentimental value, people we love via hugs, clothes we won’t ever wear again, our umbrella in a windy storm. But much of what we grip isn’t something we can see: expectations, identities, the past, overdue relationships, desired outcomes, hope that things will go a certain way… it’s often these invisible holdings that leaves us the most tense. As a deeper look into a few of these, let’s consider clinging…

To feel-good emotions

A common trend I notice with clients is that when there’s a period of ease, joy and connection to life (attributed to their growth!), it’s often accompanied by a grasping to that joyful space, in fear of returning to the doomed, uncomfortable emotions. Ironically, in an attempt to not “lose” the ease, anxiety actually begins to increase, as they feel pressure and caution not to “disturb” the peace. A space that was previously calm turns into one that they’re trying to manage.

The truth is that all emotions will flow in and out, constantly, until our last breath. Instead of trying to hold tightly to that positive flow, we can lean back and accept that the “bad” emotions will eventually return at some point, and that’s ok because it’s part of being human. We can also trust ourselves that we’ll be able to deal with it when it comes.

To goals and desired outcomes

Having hopes and dreams is only natural, but when we have on blinders to only see the finish line, not only do we miss everything we’re getting along the journey, but anxiety, fear, and impatience ramps up when things don’t go as planned. We trick ourselves into believing that fulfillment is attached to this one outcome and if we can just reach it, we’ll finally be happy. This grasping might even lead to trying everything in our power to get there, through an energy that’s desperate and misguided in thinking we actually have control over everything.

When it comes to finding a life partner, landing the dream job, making the move, or any other milestone or goal we’re yearning for, we have to accept that we don’t have full control; this release actually lets the process flow more naturally. It shifts us from forcing outcomes to participating in our lives as they unfold by attuning to our values, that is, how we want to show up in the process.

To expectations

When we have rigid expectations, for how life is “supposed” to go, we end up disappointed, frustrated, sad, and even hopeless or resentful when those expectations don’t play out. Instead of using wisdom to compassionately look at the gap between our expectations and reality, we get lost in the emotional distress of the “lack” and what’s still missing. We dismiss areas of life that are actually abundant, aligned, and worthy of gratitude and acknowledgement.

Loosening our grip on expectations isn’t about becoming indifferent or not caring or trying; it’s about making room for flexibility and acceptance. When we soften the “shoulds,” we create space to meet what’s actually here. It’s sometimes messier or a road that’s more winding than we envisioned, but with that flexibility and acceptance that life isn’t going “as planned”, we gain freedom, patience and a chance to adapt. Our eyes get opened to possibilities we hadn’t initially thought of, and there’s always wisdom along the journey.

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The function of these internal clingings often links to the illusion of control. We believe that if we can just hold on tightly, we can control what happens to us and around us.

In Buddhist teachings, the concept of non-attachment is about loosening the tendency to cling. Whether it’s to an object, a person, or an idea, non-attachment reminds us that everything is constantly changing and impermanent: emotions, relationships, objects, circumstances, and even our sense of self.

When we grasp at things as if they’re permanent or fully within our control, we create tension and inevitably, suffering. If we think about the physical sensation of clinging, there’s tension or pressure. Imagine trying to hold down a beach ball under water; it’s possible, but requires a ton of effort, our arms get tired, and eventually the ball will pop back up to the surface.

The harder we push it down, the more forcefully it resists, wobbling beneath the surface. This is often what it’s like when we try to control our thoughts, emotions, or circumstances: expending energy to keep things contained, managed, or suppressed. And even if we succeed for a while, it’s rarely sustainable. Loosening our grip doesn’t mean letting the ball fly wildly out of control; it means allowing it to gently float up and keep it close by without a tight hold.

Non-attachment invites us to fully experience what’s here, in the present moment, without needing to grasp onto it. This looks like caring deeply while allowing things to move, loving without gripping, and acting in alignment with values, releasing the need to control the outcome. It’s less about letting go of what matters, and more about changing how tightly we hold it 🩶